Getting Past Your Breakup

I don’t usually recommend self-help books because I find many of them patronising, airy-fairy, and full of psychobabble that has little practical application in the real-world.

However, ‘Getting Past Your Breakup – How to turn devastating loss into the best thing that ever happened to you’ is definitely worth a look if you are experiencing the pain and distress of a recent breakup.

For many of us, dealing with a relationship breakup is distressing to say the least.  It doesn’t matter if your relationship lasted for 1 month, 1 year or 40 years; loosing the one you love hurts, really hurts, and the bad news is that there is rarely anything or anyone that can take away that awful pain.

Having said this, there are many things that we can do to support ourselves through these difficult days.  According to Elliott, “right now, the best thing to do is to meet this challenge head on, work through your grief, make [new] plans, and change your life”.  But, how is this possible when you are consumed by grief, yet expected to continue to attend to everyday practical matters such as work, family, and friends?

Elliot uses Getting Past Your Breakup to argue that we have three options during the breakup-period: the first is to spend all kinds of time, futile effort, and tears trying to win back your ex; the second is to carry on as if nothing has happened and continue on the same path that will lead you into another unsuccessful relationship; and the third option is to heal properly, look at what’s happened, and learn new ways to put together a healthy and whole life.

Over nine chapters, Elliot presents clear information on the grief work that is necessary to to obtain closure from the relationship and be able to move on.  She offers many practical suggestions and sound advice on what to do and what not to do. What I really like about this book is that the it remains focused on keeping you focused on putting your needs first. It won’t offer you any quick-fix solutions to your pain, but it does offer hope and comfort on those dark days when nothing in the world seems to make sense anymore.

Getting Past Your Breakup by Susan J. Elliott can be purchased online from Amazon.

If you have read any books or articles on relationships and breaking up that might be helpful to others, please leave a comment or send me your recommendations.

The action I’m refering to in this post relates to our goals, wishes, dreams, hopes, and aspirations for the future. I’ve noticed recently that in conversations with family, colleagues, friends, and even a couple of strangers I talked to while waiting for a flight at the airport, we seem to be very good at spouting our hopes and dreams, but very bad at making them happen.

Here are some examples of what I’ve been told recently:

• I want to loose weight;
• I would love to build my own home;
• We’ve always dreamed about travelling to South America;
• I hate being single I’m fed up with my job and wish I could do something different;
• I’d really like to learn how to play the piano;

These are all examples of reasltic goals and dreams, yet people seem to get stuck in making them happen. When I asked the couple to tell me why they haven’t yet gone to South America, they told me that they haven’t yet won the lottery! They were being serious. When I asked my friend why she was still single, she told me she hasn’t yet met Mr Right. When I pushed her and asked what steps she was taking to meet a new man, she thought for moment, looked and me and said ‘I dunno – if it happens it happens’.

I don’t buy into this type of thinking at all. It is unhelpful. It is self-limiting. It is a case of selling yourself short. It is an example of not taking responsiblity for the direction your life is headed, leaving things to luck, chance, fate, destiny or ‘the gods’. The reality is that if you want something badly enough in life, you have got to make it happen. Sure, we can wait around and hope that we get a ‘lucky break’, but personally, I believe you stand a better chance and realising your dreams when you actually take steps to make it happen.

The American psychologist and TV host, Dr. Phil, spells it out clearly in his book “Life Strategies” when he says, ‘you create your own experiences‘. In other words, you reap what you sow, and must therefore take responsibility and be accountable for the state of your life. For example, if you “don’t like your job, you are accountable. If you are overweight, you are accountable. If you are not happy, you are accountable. You are creating the situations you are in and the emotions that flow from those situations.”

Dr. Phil’s life lesson is important in the context of setting goals and realising dreams. If I truely want to learn to play the piano, I must take action to realise this dream. If I’m fed up being single, I must get up off my backside and do something about it. If I want to travel to South America, I stand a better chance of getting there by making it happen instead of waiting to win the lottery.

Think about your own life. Do you have any hopes, dreams, goals or wishes that you really want to realise? Somewhere you’ve always wanted to travel? A skill you’ve always wanted to learn? An experience you long to have? Something you’ve always wanted to buy? The only thing that will ever stop you from achieving your goals is the limitations and obsticales you put in your own way.

Don’t make excuses, because you’re only kidding yourself. Don’t fool yourself into thinking ‘I’ll do it next year; I’ll do it when I loose weight; I’ll do it when I have enough money’. Ask yourself ‘what action am I taking now – right now – to achieve this goal?’ Maybe you do need lots of money if you’re goal is to travel the world. But, what is it you’re actually doing right now, today, to start earning enough money to allow you to go travelling?

As a counsellor and life coach, I meet many people who fool themselves with rationalisations and excuses of why they can’t have the things they want. My job is to challenge that limiting thinking style and encourage those people to start taking action and get what they want.

If you want something badly enough, do something about it today!

In my experience, most potential clients find this choice difficult due to their limited understanding of what counselling or therapy actually is, the different approaches or methods that are used to facilitate change, and the confusing jargon that therapists themselves use when advertising their services.

When ‘shopping’ for a counsellor, it is worth making appointments with two or three to get a sense of the who they are and how they work. To help you decide if s/he is the right counsellor for you, I encourage you to ask most, if not all, of the questions below during your initial session.

What are your qualifications?
At the time of writing, most ‘qualified’ counsellors in the UK usually have a minimum of a a 2-year diploma in counselling or psychotherapy that has been undertaken at a recongised college or university. The name of these qualifications will vary greatly, e.g. Diploma in Gestalt Therapy, Advanced Diploma in Cognitive-Behavioural Therapy, Masters in Family Therapy, etc. The British Association for Counselling & Psychotherapy (BACP) recommends that therapists should have undertaken a minimum of 400-450 hours college-based therapy training. Anyone who has obtained a qualification in counselling online will not be qualified to offer therapy services.

What experience do you have?
Qualifications are one thing, but therapists also need to have actual experience of client work. Don’t be afraid to ask the counsellor how long s/he has been practicising. Usually, counsellors will undertake casework during their training and should have supervised practice experience after the completion of this training. Be sure to clarify the exact nature of this practice – 2 years of ’practice’ on a telephone advice line is very different to 1 year of face-to-face, supervised client work.

Are you accredited? By whom?
Counsellors who are accredited by a professional counselling body (such as BACP, IACP, UKCP, etc) means that s/he has achieved a substantial level of training and experience. Accreditation also requires counsellors to adhere to professional and ethical standards of practice and provides recourse for clients in the event of them needing to make a formal complaint. It is advantageous, therefore, that your counsellor is accredited by a recognised counselling body.

What is your counselling style/approach?
Ask the therapist to explain to you his/her counselling approach. There are many different approaches or models of therapy – you don’t need to know about these models in any great depth, but it is useful to get a sense of how the therapist works. For example, if your counsellor has been trained in cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT), you might be asked to do homework tasks between your counselling sessions, whereas, a psychoanalytic practitioner might approach your problem/issue in a completely different way. You can read more about the different counselling models on this page.

What experience do you have of X, Y or Z?
If the reason for you seeking therapy is because you are experiencing depression, be sure to ask the therapist what experience s/he has of helping people with depression. The same goes for anxiety, drug misuse, identity issues, or whatever your reason for seeking therapy in the first place. If your counsellor has little experience of working with your issue(s), then move on and find a different therapist.

How do you think you can help me?
A really important question! Before your initial consultation or assessment session ends, ask the counsellor how s/he will be able to help you. It’s good to have some idea and reassurance. Although the counsellor will have limited information about you s/he should be able to give you some idea using jargon-free language of how therapy might proceed. If the therapist uses lots of counselling jargon and you leave feeling unclear about the potential benefits you might get from the process, it is probably best to move on and find another counsellor.

(If you are lesbian, gay or bisexual) – What specific training and experience do you have of working with LGB people?
Lesbian, gay, and bisexual people should ensure that any potential therapist (of any sexual orientation) has appropriate post-qualifying training and experience of working with LGB issues. It is not enough for the therapist to be LGB him/herself. Therapists with anti-gay opinions or who believe that same-sex attraction is a problem in itself requiring cures or treatment should be avoided.

How much do you charge for each session?
Be clear about how much you will have to pay, when and by what means. Do you pay for your sessions by cash up front, after the session, or at the end of the month? Does the counsellor have a sliding-fee scale? Some will offer reduced-fee sessions for people on lower incomes. Be sure also to obtain a receipt.

Do you have a cancellation policy?
If you do not attend an arranged appointment, most therapists will still charge you the full cost of the missed session if cancelled less than 24 hours before your appointment time. It is important to clarify this from the outset before therapy proceeds.

What about confidentiality?
Counselling involves you sharing a great deal of personal information with the therapist, so it is important that you know his/her confidentiality policy and its limits. For example, in the event of you or another person being at risk of harm, what procedures will the counsellor take? Who will they inform? What notes do they keep of your sessions together? Who else has access to these notes (under Data Protection laws you have the right to access your notes)? Does the counsellor record your sessions on cassette tape or CD? What happens if you and the counsellor meet each other outside of the counselling room? How will s/he maintain your confidentiality? Reputable counsellors will always make their confidentiality policy clear in the initial session and usually provide clients with an ‘information sheet’ or ’contract’ that clearly sets out the terms under which counselling is offered, including the limits to confidentiality. If you require clarification, the counsellor will welcome any questions you have.

And finally….
Many good therapists will use your initial meeting together to find out more about you and your reasons for seeking counselling. This is also your opportunity to assess the counsellor – remember you’re going to be investing your money, time and energy in this process, so you need to decide if s/he is suitable for you. Not every counsellor will be the right counsellor for you, so take some time after your initial meeting to reflect on your experience and what you’ve learned about the therapist before making a follow-up appointment.

Good luck in your search.

Lifeline: 0808 808 8000

Lifeline is a 24-hour counselling service for people of any age in Northern Ireland who is in distress or despair.  Calls are answered by qualified counsellors who will listen, offer support and advice, but not judge.

If you’re not ready to make that call, remember that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. When you’re feeling extremely depressed or suicidal, problems don’t seem temporary — they seem overwhelming and permanent. But with time, your feelings will change, especially if you reach out for help.

Reaching out for help

You can choose to live, but first it is important that you find some relief from your pain. To do that, you will need to find a way to increase your connections with people who will listen. Even if it doesn’t feel like it right now, there are many people who want to support you during this difficult time. They won’t try to argue with you about how miserable you feel or tell you to “snap out of it”. They will not judge you. They will simply listen and be there for you.

Reach out to just one person. Do it now. Use your 24 hours or your week, to tell someone what’s going on with you. Call a trusted friend, family member, or therapist. It doesn’t matter who it is, as long as it’s someone you trust and who is likely to listen with compassion and acceptance.

Even if your suicidal feelings have subsided, get help for yourself. Experiencing that sort of emotional pain is itself a traumatising experience. Finding a support group or therapist can be very helpful in developing strong coping resources for the future.

Not sure who to contact?

Call LifeLine who will be able to provide you with immediate access to counselling, support, groups and helpline services that can support you through this difficult time.

Feeling suicidal does not make you a bad person

Thoughts of ending your own life do not necessarily mean that you truly want to die. Instead, they mean that you have more pain than you can cope with right now. The pain of deep depression is intense. It is too much to bear for long periods of time.

What might be bearable to someone else may not be to you

Many kinds of emotional pain may lead to thoughts of suicide. The reasons for this pain are unique to every person, and whether or not the pain is bearable differs from person to person. But even if you’re in a lot of pain, give yourself some distance between thoughts and action. Make a promise to yourself, “I will wait 24 hours and won’t do anything drastic during that time.” Or, wait a week.

Thoughts and actions are two different things—your suicidal thoughts do not have to become a reality. There is no deadline. There’s no time limit, no one pushing you to act on these thoughts right now. Wait. Wait and put some distance between your suicidal thoughts and suicidal action.

Ways to cope with suicidal thoughts and feelings

Remember that while it may feel as if the depression will never end, depression is never a permanent condition. You WILL feel better again. In the meantime, here are some things you can do to cope with your suicidal thoughts and feelings:

• Talk with someone every day, preferably face to face. Though you feel like withdrawing, ask trusted friends and acquaintances to spend time with you.
• Spend time with people who aren’t depressed. This can lift you up and make you feel better.
• If you are thinking of taking an overdose, give your medicines to someone who can give them to you one day at a time.
• Remove any dangerous objects or weapons from your home.
• Avoid alcohol and other drugs. They will only make you feel worse.
• Wait until you are feeling better before doing things you find difficult or unpleasant.
• Make a written schedule for yourself every day and stick to it, no matter what.
• Don’t skip meals, and get at least eight hours of sleep each night.
• Get out in the sun or into nature for at least 30-minutes a day.
• Make time for things that bring you joy.

If you are experiencing thoughts of suicide on a regular basis and you think counselling might help you, please contact me by phone or email to arrange an appointment: info@terrysergeant.com.

Like it or loathe it, New Year seems to stir feelings inside many of us. Some will feel excitment for upcoming parties, holidays or time off school or work; for others it will bring sadness and sorrow – a chance to reflect on difficult and challenging times during the past year. However, New Year also provides people with an opportunity to focus on what they hope to achieve in the next twelve months. That usually comes in the form of New Year resolutions – what we plan to do to make life better, healthier, happier, etc.

Like many people, I find it easy to make New Year resolutions and set goals for change, However, it is usually more difficult to stick at it. My attempt at getting up early every morning to exercise, or eat a healthy diet, usually goes out the window only a few weeks after the New Year festivities.

I want to share with you some really good advice from Steve Pavlina. Steve is a self-help author who has written hundreds of excellent articles about personal development, human growth, diet, interpersonal relationships, work-life balance, etc. Steve suggests that if you want to bring about change or achieve a goal, you should employ a tool called the 30-day-trial. The full article can be found here, but the main points are as follows:

Let’s say you want to start a new habit like an exercise program or quit a bad habit like sucking on cancer sticks. We all know that getting started and sticking with the new habit for a few weeks is the hard part. Once you’ve overcome inertia, it’s much easier to keep going.

Yet we often psyche ourselves out of getting started by mentally thinking about the change as something permanent — before we’ve even begun. It seems too overwhelming to think about making a big change and sticking with it every day for the rest of your life when you’re still habituated to doing the opposite. The more you think about the change as something permanent, the more you stay put.

But what if you thought about making the change only temporarily — say for 30 days — and then you’re free to go back to your old habits? That doesn’t seem so hard anymore. Exercise daily for just 30 days, then quit. Maintain a neatly organized desk for 30 days, then slack off. Read for an hour a day for 30 days, then go back to watching TV.

Could you do it? It still requires a bit of discipline and commitment, but not nearly so much as making a permanent change. Any perceived deprivation is only temporary. You can count down the days to freedom. And for at least 30 days, you’ll gain some benefit. It’s not so bad. You can handle it. It’s only one month out of your life.

Try it. Give it a go. Decide today, now, what change you would like to make. Practice a foreign language for 30 minutes every day; exercise for 15 minutes every morning before taking a shower; study for 1 hour each night before bed; avoid eating meat for every lunchtime meal; whatever. Steve continues:

Now if you actually complete a 30-day trial, what’s going to happen? First, you’ll go far enough to establish it as a habit, and it will be easier to maintain than it was to begin it. Secondly, you’ll break the addiction of your old habit during this time. Thirdly, you’ll have 30 days of success behind you, which will give you greater confidence that you can continue. And fourthly, you’ll gain 30 days worth of results, which will give you practical feedback on what you can expect if you continue, putting you in a better place to make informed long-term decisions.

Therefore, once you hit the end of the 30-day trial, your ability to make the habit permanent is vastly increased. But even if you aren’t ready to make it permanent, you can opt to extend your trial period to 60 or 90 days. The longer you go with the trial period, the easier it will be to lock in the new habit for life.

Another benefit of this approach is that you can use it to test new habits where you really aren’t sure if you’d even want to continue for life. Maybe you’d like to try a new diet, but you don’t know if you’d find it too restrictive. In that case, do a 30-day trial and then re-evaluate. There’s no shame in stopping if you know the new habit doesn’t suit you. It’s like trying a piece of shareware for 30 days and then uninstalling it if it doesn’t suit your needs. No harm, no foul.

So try out Steve’s advice. Form a new habit in 30 days and see whether or not you can make it stick. Write your comments below and let us know how you get on…..

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Relationships, like hot summers, often look better from a distance. Just as you forget how draining a muggy day can feel, you also forget how soul-destroying and lonely a relationship can feel when it’s not going well.

“So just end it,” right? It’s never as simple as that. Most of us have experienced that dilemma of not knowing whether to walk away from a relationship. You think that you’re being too picky, you worry that no-one else will love you this much, you don’t want to hurt someone you care about, you fear regretting it and not being able to win them back. You’ve stayed in relationships for those reasons, right? Yep, so have we.

But these alone aren’t good enough reasons to stay in a relationship that isn’t working. Ending a relationship can be heartbreaking, even if you’re dying to get away. The blissful future that you’d imagined when you first got together is now not going to happen. Thing is, is you’re unhappy, that blissful future wasn’t going to happen anyway.

If you’re experiencing a few of these 20 signs regularly, it may be time to move on. It will be difficult, but ultimately it’ll be the right thing for you both. Life is too short (and your partner’s life is too short) to waste valuable years on a pairing that’s going nowhere.

1. You’re always craving time alone
It’d be weird and needy to want your partner by your side every minute of every day. It’s normal to look forward to some time alone. But if you’re craving me-time and wish that he or she wasn’t around, it’s clear that your relationship is giving you more frustration than joy.

2. You don’t go out together any more
Even if you’re living together, you should never stop going on dates together. A successful relationship is based on more than sex and silently watching the telly together.

3. You prefer seeing your friends to seeing your partner
A good relationship involves socialising with and without your other half. Not wishing that you lived with your housemates again rather than your lover.

4. You’ve stopped having sex
Sex drive can dip for many reasons, including stress or medication. But if you just stop fancying your partner, and sex becomes a chore or stops altogether, listen to your alarm bells.

5. You’ve stopped touching each other
Touching isn’t just about sex, it’s about affection and togetherness. Casual touching, hugging and holding hands are the signs of a healthy relationship with two people who still fancy each other. If you flinch when he or she brushes against you, it really is time to get out.

6. You’ve stopped kissing
Passionate kissing is emotionally more intimate than sex, so it’s often the first thing to go when two people start drifting apart. If you want to kiss each other but just haven’t got round to it for a while, pucker up. If you don’t enjoy it, see above.

7. They no longer make you laugh
Their witty lines once made tea came out of your nose. These days you just wish they’d shut up. Why are you still with them, pray tell?

8. You don’t chat
Chatting – about trivia, what’s in the news or what happened at work – is the bedrock of a good relationship. When you stop talking to each other about the little things, it’s a sign that you don’t see each other as friends any more.

9. You’re always nit-picking
If you’re constantly bothered by their coffee-slurping, their taste in pants and everything they do, you’re not in love, you’re in a constant state of “argh”. That’s not trivial: it’s the kind of everyday stress that can damage your health.

10. They’re always nit-picking
If your partner seems constantly irritated by you, it suggests that they’re not happy or even comfortable around you. They may be wanting out, but haven’t the courage to bring up the subject. If he or she makes you feel that you can’t do anything right, do you really want to be around this person?

11. You do all the chores
Every long-term couple has disagreements about housework and other chores, but the squabbles usually end in vague equality or compromise. If your partner treats you like a doormat, show them the door.

12. You don’t care about your appearance
Love doesn’t mean letting yourself go. If you no longer care about whether he or she fancies you or not, it spells trouble for your sex life – and your relationship.

13. Red letter days are forgotten
Anniversaries, Valentine’s Day and so on may seem trivial, but a loving couple will acknowledge them in some way, even if it’s with a scribbled note saying “V-Day is rubbish, let’s spend it in bed.” Once you forget each other’s birthdays, your relationship is so far past its sell-by date that even a dog wouldn’t eat it.

14. You’re doing all the giving (or all the getting)
Most relationships go through stages where one person is more emotionally and sexually generous than the other, but the imbalance should not be more or less permanent. Parasites don’t make good partners.

15. You’ve stopped liking yourself
A lover is not supposed to make you feel unloved, unattractive and unable to be yourself. If yours does, get out and stop letting them sap your spirit.

16. Your friends think they’re bad for you
Your friends know you best, and they’ll say what they think if it’s for your benefit. If they think your partner is no good, listen. They’ll be there for you when he or she isn’t.

17. You compare them with other men or women
It’s natural to find other people attractive, but not to compare your lover unfavourably with every person who catches your eye.

18. You look up your exes
It’s fine to be friends with exes, and it shows maturity. But if you seek out and flirt with an ex, then you arrange to meet up with them, and find yourself wondering “what if…?”, your current relationship is doomed.

19. You wish they’d change
Once the rose-tinted early months have passed, mismatched personalities become more obvious. You can’t change your partner into someone better suited to you. Instead, find someone who’s already your perfect match.

20. You say “I love you” but don’t mean it
Do you feel a little knot of guilt whenever you say it, as though you’re lying? Do you only say it to make them shut up and go away? Then stop saying it, and start spending more time with someone you really love – starting with yourself.

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This is a pretty comprehensive list, however, the only thing I would add to it it would be that if your partner is threatening, abusing, controlling or being violent to you, then that is definitely the biggest sign that it’s time to end your relationship. For more information about abusive relationships and how to deal with them, see my article entitled Is This Love.